I Can't Take It Anymore
by JustPlainAmy
Summary: He couldn't seem to stop crying, even after his eyes long lost the ability to tear his chest continued to heave with loud sobs. He was a wreck and he wouldn't deny it not for a second... this was it, it was the final straw. /M because of sucidal themes/
1. Chapter 1

Warning:Slight gore, hints at BoyXBoy and so on

Disclamer: I do not will I ever NCIS or any of it's characters

AN: Hey everyone I know this isn't my usual I try to do as much fluff but I needed to write somthing sad like this. Sadly I just got home from the third funeral I've had to attend this week and to say that I'm a little despressed is a bit of an understatement so rather than balling my eyes out like a normal person I write this... It's actually is rather cathartic.

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He couldn't seem to stop crying, even after his eyes long lost the ability to tear his chest continued to heave with loud sobs. He was a wreck and he wouldn't deny it not for a second... this was it, it was the final straw. He couldn't handle the pain before the grief and self pity that slowly carved pieces of his heart out one at a time, first he could never be with the one he loved, his colleges told him he wasn't good enough that he was a joke, all of his daddy issues he's been lying to himself about for his whole life and now the only person in his life making it possible to even continue breathing was shot dead on a rooftop over a week ago and the numbness had finally worn off... he couldn't take it.

With shaking legs he attempted to walk from the door way where he had collapsed over 2 hours ago when had returned from Kate's funeral barely able to close the door before the sobs hit him let alone the couch. Stumbling his way into the kitchen he grabbed a new bottle of bourbon from the cobinet the amber liquid making a bitter smile rise to his face in recognition, a gift from Gibbs, the boss man or in other words his extremely strait unrequited love.

Not even bothering with a shot glass he sank to the floor of the kitchen twisting off the seal of the bourbon taking a few gulps of the liquid courage, he was really going to do this? yes he was he didn't have any other choice. Besides no one would miss him he was worthless, dirty and an abomination according to his father. He supposed he should do this properly... grabbing a blank sheet of the To-Do list paper from a pad on the counter he flipped it over pulled out a pen and began to write.

Hey everyone I know you'll be mad at me for doing this, but I can't deal with it anymore Kate was the only thing keeping me together as fruitless as an effort that was eh? I'm not enough for you guys I've never worked hard enough to make up for my stupidity I brushed off the hurt with all those stupid jokes everyone used to despise. But I guess that was my way of coping I wasn't worth the effort to get to know me but don't worry after a few weeks no one will even remember me. I love all of you guys even if you think I'm a freak for it I never could help my self you know? well I guess this is it? Goodbye I love you so much Abby, McGee and of course you Jethro more than you know.

Goodbye for the last time Anthony DiNozzo Jr.

He took the note, folded it once and stuck it in the pocket of the suit he was still wearing next to the red carnation... somehow that didn't seem enough. Pulling out his phone he couldn't help but think 'I _really am a selfish fuck..' _as he dialed Gibbs's number. He couldn't do... this without telling how he felt about him, he knew it was risky to do but writing it just felt like such a wrong thing to do so he listened to the rings as the went off till somewhere between the 4th and 5th one a gruff voice picked up obviously pissed that some one dared to call him.

"Hey boss" Tony said, weakly smiling into the phone as he heard the not to quiet grumblings drop out only leaving silence before he answered.

"DiNozzo, What's the matter" Tony couldn't hold back the hysterical giggles that escaped him at Jethro's words, god sometimes he swore that man was a damn psychic, the worry in the other man's tone increased tenfold.

"Tony were are you? I'm coming to get you." he said in that no nonsense 'you'll do what I tell you whether you want to or not' voice that immediately brought him back to his purpose, this grim thought not allowing him to lose himself in Gibbs's wonderful voice.

"I'm at my apartment... Boss I just want to say, I need to tell you how sorry I am. It should have been me not Kate, but I'm going to fix that so don't worry" he took a deep breath intent to finish his thought as he could practically hear the wheels in Gibbs's head turning before he heard the sound of a door slamming shut as Gibbs's voice growled angrily in his ear interrupting the agent.

"Don't you fucking dare fix it Tony, I'm coming to get you wait there for me, I'm coming" He sounded almost desperate under those layers of anger but He just assumed that was his own wishful thinking. He didn't want to lie to Jethro anymore that was the point of his call so he didn't even bother to tell him he was fine, or that nothing was wrong. Besides this would all be over in a few minutes and it took almost 15 to get from his house to Gibb's apartment... he had time for now even with his boss's crazy driving.

"I just needed to tell you something okay, Jethro I love you and I have since I interrogated you in Baltimore and you recruited me for your team" he didn't let the other man respond he was afraid his friend would lie to him to convince him not to do it, a single tear sliding down his cheek he readied his finger on the end call button.

"I know that sounds crazy but I really needed you to know that, Goodbye I love you Jethro, I'm so sorry but I just can't take it anymore." he vaguely heard Gibbs yell something rather loud as he snapped his phone shut reaching for the knife lying beside him.

Downing another couple swigs of the alcohol until he felt pleasantly fuzzy, quickly so he wouldn't chicken out he took the knife and sliced deep into his left forearm quietly howling with the pain as he moved with shaking fingers past the alarmingly fast bleeding gash before making two more. They weren't as deep as the first to but god dammit did they hurt worse, he felt his head go even fuzzier this time not due to the alcohol.

Giving a sigh of relief he knew it would be over soon he passed the knife to his injured arm, faintly getting annoyed by the amount of blood that was now staining his Armani tux... then decided it didn't really matter he proceeded to make a few more cuts to his right arm, smiling when his hands trembled so violently he dropped the knife sending it clattering to the cool floor.

His blood ran freely from the cuts pooling at his side and at this point he could only watch in grisly fascination. That was before he heard shouting and sirens outside his door making an effort look up, lifting his head just in time to see his door which he could see clearly from wear he was sitting collapse in on itself with the force of one heavy kick and an freighting broken looking Gibbs's burst into the apartment as two men in blue coats ran in behind him at a close second before the blackness took hold of him.

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By the way for anyone wondering I DID not kill tony... even if I won't write a sequal Gibbs saves him like he always does :)


	2. Chapter 2

Well i lied about no continuation :) I got a couple of frustrated pm's demanding happy endings so this will be the really really short sequal :)

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Everything about him seemed to hurt, especially his arms... was he in hell? So much for hoping his suffering would end. Opening his eyes slowly half expecting to see Satan himself leaning over him, only to see the blaring white of the inside of a hospital room. Shit, it hadn't worked he was alive, something dark shifted in the corner of his eye so he quickly turned his head towards it wincing when the none to welcome feeling of dizziness washed over him. Finally opening his eyes as the dizzy spell passed he saw Gibbs's sitting there, his neck looking like it was in a decidedly uncomfortable position were he was seated in the chair beside his bed his hand seemed to be resting on the bed.

Following the arm with his eyes he looked down at the previously unnoticed hand cupping his own gently, it was all to much he didn't die like he wanted to, and now Jethro was going to lie to him about caring about him just to keep him from doing it again.

In Tony's mind it was a decidedly Gibbs like thing to do. A tear trickled down his face he tried to pull his hand away only to find his arms were strapped to the bed. Groaning he let his head drop back to the pillow.

"Tony?" the unsure voice asked, it was so different from what he was used to he started at his name flinching violently and moving as far away as he could on the bed that the leather cuffs would allow.

"Tony, Tony please look at me" Unable to resist Gibbs, he never was but the man was god damn pleading he didn't stand half a chance as he warily turned his head so Hazel eyes could meet piercing blue, to his honest to god shock he could swear their were tears in them.

" Don't ever think that no one wants you, you ass and I wish you would have told me about how you felt before god if you would have just told me..." Tony could help but squeeze his eyes here it was.

"Boss you don't have to lie to me, I know you completely strait- I mean all the red heads, I shouldn't have-" He was efficiently cut off by a warm pair of chapped lips pressing against his own. Eyes wide he mentally shrugged figuring as long as this was happening he'd enjoy it so he threw himself as much as he could into the kiss. Pulling back with Tony practically panting while Gibbs sucked in a lungful of air before he smiled at his senior agent.

"Did that feel like a lie Tony" raising an eyebrow as if to ask say 'say yes and mean it, I dare you' Tony slowly shook his head a small smile pulling at his lips.

The impossible had happened... Gibbs had kissed him, kissed him for god sakes hell was going to freeze over, he was sure of it. Smiling bigger he thought "_Well at least I like the cold" _before leaning forward to kiss his Boss once again reveling in the absolute perfection of this fucked up moment. He was strapped to a bed after he tried to kill himself, practically making out with his superior feeling lighter than he had in a long time...


End file.
